2019/11/5 (Tue) 09:23

I’m hurt and pissed.

Unable to think and be creative even more now than before.
Should have just kept to myself, why the fuck did I even share how i feel.
Honestly so tired and done with everyone and everything.
Why the fuck am I even trying at this point.

“How much we know and understand ourselves is critically important, but there is something that is even more essential to living a Wholehearted life: loving ourselves.”

Why am I always scrambling around the ground, barely getting better and then once again hitting the ground?

I quit drinking, I got spiritual, I’m meditating, I’m fucking trying so god damn hard.

Why am I still barely crawling, barely moving? I feel like nothing has changed, I don’t feel hungover, I spend time sitting quietly for like 15 minutes a day, that’s it.

Why the fuck am I still stuck unmoving?

WHAT THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO DO TO FINALLY FEEL BETTER?

Nothing fucking matters, nothing changes anything, no matter what I do or try, what I read or learn, nothing is fucking working.

I’m as depressed as ever once again drinking my anxiety meds and having trouble falling asleep.

Literally went in a circle and came back to the same place I once was.

What the fuck is the meaning anymore?

Nothing works.

Nothing has any meaning.

Fuck all of this I’m sick of trying, always on the edge, suffocating.

Why the fuck am I even trying to “better myself” when the only substantial result is me wishing to end my life more now than in the past year.

Absolutely fucking laughable.

I hate my life so fucking much, I hate my own fucking self, why must I be… this?

Honestly wish for death, at least I wouldn’t have to be feeling this way anymore.

I am just so. fucking. pissed. So fucking frustrated. Absolutely exhausted.

Why is nothing working?

I feel even less creative, even less kind, less free and I despise my current state now more than ever.

What was the point in that whole spiritual awakening?

Should I just go back to drinking myself senseless because who the fuck cares anymore?

FUCK ALL OF THIS.

Fuck this shit.

I’m tired.

I want results.

Over 2 months of working my ass off at “self-love” and “self-improvement” just to end up back in square one again.

Like for fucks sake.

I know life doesn’t owe me shit, but at least my own fucking brain could do better.

What the actual fuck.

What else is there? What else do I have to fucking do to FINALLY start feeling better?

Life is fucking meaningless, nothing but torture, why are we even doing this?

I wish I could end myself right at this moment, but I don’t want to cause my family the inconvenience of having to come to collect my shit.

WHAT THE FUCK.

How is this better than me two months ago?

Same fucking bullshit, more anger this time tbh.

I feel like a child that doesn’t get what it wants, but like honestly though?

Fuck this shit.

At least I used to be able to numb these shitty feelings with booze, but now, what do I have left?

Nothing. Fucking nothing.

Just this raw open wound 24/7 with no escape or coping mechanism.

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”

You poked me in my deepest wound by saying “who cares about whether your design worked when you literally just did it to get it over with” when in fact, I put in a lot of time and effort into it, it was my responsibility and I’m the one who cares about it.

Then instead of apologizing for having said that and having struck a chord with me, you kept on that that’s not what you meant and that I’m misunderstanding you.

And on top of that, now you’re the one feeling hurt because I misunderstood you.

Now imagine me telling you that “who cares that no one liked what you wrote when you literally just wrote it to make the deadline and word-count” when obviously you put thought and effort into it.

“Faith is a place of mystery, where we find the courage to believe in what we cannot see and the strength to let go of our fear of uncertainty.”

Brené Brown