2020/08/25 (Tue)

I feel better now, but god did I feel miserable during the day.
I legit cried at my desk while the other people were away.
And am having a chat tomorrow with [Boss lady], hella scared, I will be honest. Have they ever trained a person to take this position before? Well, [coworker], I guess. But like, this makes no sense.

I can go on and on about how I hate the work in itself…

But for now, I need to change my thinking.

What do I want to do with my future?

I want to write.
I want to be my own boss.
I want to own a business.
I want to be free.
I want to make things that matter.
I want to help people.
I want to inspire people.
I want to work with events, theatre.
I want to dance.
I want to act.

Bristol is so beautiful, narrow roads and hills, colourful houses, a harbour, river, forests, parks.

I am meant to be here, I feel it.
But the job that I have to do… why do I hate it so much?

I’m not even sure anymore… Fear, I guess.
Maybe…
Sadness…
Loneliness….
Fear…

I am so alone.
I am so lost.
I have no idea where I’m heading or why.
I’m pretty sure I’m on the right track, yet I feel hurried, flustered, late, failing…

It has been only a week yet I’m already this stressed?

Jesus, let yourself not be sure of things, let yourself not know things.

Let yourself be afraid.
Fear doesn’t disappear, it never will.
Whether the fear of failure or of the unknown.

Remember? Don’t let fear take control?
Make it sit in the backseat and shut up. It’s not going away so you might as well take control of that lil bastard.
Tell him to shut it.
Tell him to go sit in the back of the car.

Self-compassion, remember?
Let yourself feel the things that you’re feeling.
Don’t try to force them away.
Let them be, feel them fully.

Aren’t you alive?

I don’t remember what I’m even supposed to be writing here…

Oh yeah.

Trying to change my thinking so that I wouldn’t hate where I am at life right now.
My mind is such a mess, though, I have an incredibly hard time concentrating.

I want to direct events.
I honestly do.
I want to be able to go freelance and offer people websites that I make from the ground up, including the server-side.
I quite do, yes, sounds like a good skill to have for someone wanting to go freelance as soon as the circumstances allow.

Both of these things are something that you’ll be able to learn at your job.
You might not be a PM per se, as this shit’s a whole-ass mess, but it will still look pretty on your resume – wow, a PM working with American clients and a global team!! The company has a future, it has ambition and possibility.
But then again… There’s just so much happening, I am going insane.

I’m afraid of having to talk to one of the bosses tomorrow.
I’m afraid to admit that I’m overwhelmed and that I’m sorry that I’m bringing in my personal emotional state into work.

Am I that see-through or is she going to be concerned with all the work that she’s already throwing at me?
I have no idea where this sentence was supposed to go.

But all I know is that I will be okay.
In fact, I am okay.

You might not be doing the most advanced work right now, but this work experience will once again be useful later on.
So just…kick your ego in the stomach, strap it and fear in the backseat and take control of your life.
Neither will disappear, but you don’t have to let them control your life anymore either.

Your ego’s hurting because it imagines itself at the top of the world, doing glamorous work that you can brag to people about even though you yourself don’t want a job that would become your life.
So why are you acting like it is?

Huh…

That sentence hits different.

I wanted a job that’s not going to be my whole life – something that I do not attach my identity to, not a designer, not a coder. Literally, this job has nothing on my actual skills or my true nature.
It’s a job of following rules and appeasing clients.
There are no design decisions being made, there is no time to clean up the code.
This is a job where my egotistical identity has no place to be.

Is that why it’s so painful?
I attach my identity to every job I have and for me, it’s impossible to pull those two apart.
And so mediocre “churn them out asap” work feels like a direct kick in my ego’s balls.

To be fair, that’s the kind of job I was imagining for myself, something that I could leave behind once I leave for the day.
Well, that’s not exactly the case though, is it? With the need to stay late more days than not, the only reason we’re not doing that being due to the office building shutting off at 5.

If not physically, mentally it should be a job like that. My pride shouldn’t be involved in a job like that.
I was imagining a job that pays well, has a good life-work balance and I am able to leave behind for the day and focus on my hobbies, actual life-goals and other activities.

My brain is refusing to work any further.
I need to sleep on this.

And let me dream the answers to my questions.
And let me dream the future that’s already here.