I’m not okay

I’m not feeling okay.
But I can’t put a finger on what’s bothering me so much.
Why I’m on the verge of tears, on the verge of a panic attack, on the verge of anger.
Humans are really well constructed.
I have been plowing on for 3 solid weeks, saying goodbyes, taking care of a million things at once, devoured by stress and anxiety, averaging 5 hours of sleep a night.
And during all that time, those long outdrawn 3 weeks, I never as much as cried, I never stopped, I kept on plowing on like this shit was easy, I really even started believing that it was easy – I felt nothing.
But that’s the thing, I didn’t feel relief, I didn’t feel happiness, I didn’t feel busy or stressed. I felt nothing.
3 weeks of feeling absolutely numbed out to any triggers, only focusing on the million things on my to-do list and not much else.

I didn’t grieve, I didn’t cry, I didn’t smile at the soft winds of summer playing with leaves and people’s hair.
I didn’t smile at the people rushing around me, I didn’t smile at the trains, the shopping districts, the drunk alleyways.
I didn’t smile at the roads I’ve been walking for over 6 years.
I didn’t smile at the change of seasons or the rising heat that I’ve grown accustomed to, but still not able to tolerate completely.

I haven’t been feeling.
I’ve been completely numb.

And now I’m terrified of finally unraveling.

It’s not like I told myself that I can’t cry now or that I have to keep on pushing before I can allow myself all the feelings.
No, it happened naturally, to be completely honest, I was hoping to feel, hoping to cry, hoping to feel sad like I thought that I was supposed to.
I am leaving the last 6 years of my life behind, I am about to start everything from scratch again.
I should be feeling things!!
And yet I was numb.

Humans are amazing at stress, we adapt, we numb, we focus on the things we have to do before we allow our emotions to interfere.
But that doesn’t change the fact that I felt like shit for not having felt sad while saying goodbye to any of the people I knew here.
I knew it had to be done, it was one of the things on my to-do list.

I’m starting to unravel already, quite a bit earlier than I expected myself to last until reaching the UK, to be fair.

I even got emotional on the train looking out at the passing nature scenes and imagining how they’re going to be replaced with those of the British kind.
That made me feel sad.

Though I did get attached to non-alcoholic beer and sweets during my numb period. I guess it’s my psyche asking to let it feel SOMETHING if it can’t feel the feelings that would hinder my preparations to leave.

In other words… the only thing that managed to calm my upcoming panic/anxiety attack, was drugs.
Ahh, good old drugs.

And now that I’m once again back to feeling numbed out of my senses, I should probably get ready for bed…
Long day(s) ahead of me…

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