Forcing a hobby

My fight with “the 3 Ps ”: perfectionism, procrastination, and productivity

Learning stops being fun for me when I begin putting pressure on myself to perform well right from the getgo.
I mistakenly expect perfection from myself without ever having a chance to fail.
I feel like I’m too old to make mistakes and be lousy at things.

I feel as though my hobbies have to be “play” therefore I get mad at myself when I don’t spend my free time doing my hobbies.
I’m doing this whole thing where my brand is supposed to be honestly and vulnerability, yet I’m afraid of being perceived as uncreative, mediocre, not worth the time, childish, and in the end, stupid. How somebody else feels about my writing or photos and makeup has nothing to do with me trying to learn. Yet I’m stuck being afraid.

But what I fear the most is pressuring myself into giving up a hobby and abandoning the things I used to enjoy doing. I fear the idea of not enjoying a hobby and unconsciously end up doing just that.

I enjoy dancing and singing, even though I suck at both of those things.
Yet why do I have to force myself to play? Why do I not spontaneously erupt in dance or song, but have to write it into my schedule only to end up scrolling on twitter instead?

I don’t know what constitutes play in my mind anymore.

Even writing one blog post seems like an impossibly huge task that will take hours, even days to complete. I exaggerate everything in my mind and raise the priority to A+++++++, ending up frozen in inaction unable to decide which activity will satisfy my inner perfectionist and constitute as the “most productive” use of my free time.

I want to write, I want to go outside and take photos, I want to learn to dance, I want to learn to sing, I want all of it.
Yet I’m unable to make myself do any of these things.
Do I lack motivation? Discipline? Or have I not faced my perfectionistic demons that demand productivity 24/7 and anything outside a to-do list is not worth their time, freezing me in fear and inaction.
I know that I’m doing this to myself because just a few months ago I was more than excited to write whatever mediocre trash that I did, and yet now I’m having to force every second of it. The only reason I’m writing this is because I’m procrastinating from doing actual work that I get paid to do.
I assume it’s safe to say that I have a problem with procrastination, huh.

“You should enjoy your hobbies, why aren’t you enjoying them???? ENJOY THEM WILL Y-, WAIT WHY ARE YOU ON TWITTER”