2019/9/3 (Tue) 8:26

I feel like at this point the only thing to do is to stop… drinking and to keep it for parties and events or whatnot.

Just stop gulping down wine through a fucking straw out of a fucking jug.

Why is this so hard.

How do I find out the reason why I keep doing this shit, why do I keep craving for binges, why do I always want to be drunk.

I do like the high that alcohol gives me because I feel free, worry less, am laughing at everything, I become carefree.

In turn, usually, I’m pretty rigid. So I guess that’s why I enjoy drinking so much.

But I mean, the moment it starts causing issues in my life – skipping work/ school, it should be enough of a sign that it’s becoming a problem.

I get annoyed with other people when I’m annoyed with myself.

And this morning I got annoyed at kids on the train.

I am dissatisfied with my own self, I am mostly feeling guilty about skipping work because I’m afraid of losing everyone’s trust.

Also, the last time I did something similar was just a little while ago, so I do feel pretty shitty about it.

I realized that I need to unlearn how to be angry at everyone around me the same way that I had to unlearn how to be mean to myself.

I need like a list, steps or smth to help me get back on track.

You see, my memory is selective. I tend to forget how sick I felt each day, the hangovers, the blackouts, the puking, the worrying about how I appeared to other people, the remorse I felt every single morning when I woke up. I was beating myself up, and yet I continued. Who does that? Social drinkers don’t do that. But alcoholics do.

Yeah, I think it’s time for me to stop.

But at the same time I need to work on my social anxiety and just myself in general in order to be the person I become when I drink; the carefree fun idiot.

But at the same time (x2) I don’t want to quit completely? You know, celebrations, Lithuanian beer, hanging out with people there, I want to be able to drink in moderation and not relapse. Is that even possible for me or am I too far gone and have to stay completely sober?

Sad boy hours.